my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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