Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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