Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
