someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
