OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
