Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
