just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
