I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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