Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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