why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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