Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
