Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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