I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
