can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
