I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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