never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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