so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
BRING THE BAGELS
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
