Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
