It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
id be glad to
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
