porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
