So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
a search helicopter?!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
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