Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
