just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my poor anus
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
