Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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