please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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