I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
