you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
