I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
