i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Boobs are out for the taking
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
