mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
