My hand turned me down
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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