Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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