a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
