dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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