He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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