Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
