I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
