Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
