im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
