I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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