Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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