we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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