dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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