Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
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