The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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