I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
