Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
two words: eviction party
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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