I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
