I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
