Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
