He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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